My last blog about my mom was the first time that I didn't "publicize" my blog on my facebook or email my friends to say, "I have posted a new blog". I ask myself why this one is so different. I think its because I feel vulnerable for some reason. Its also because this is a piece of my life that is not settled. This is one relationship in my life that I am not sure that laying all the cards on the table (i.e. expressing yourself and bringing up things that need to be brought up in order to have some sense of closure or peace) would be helpful.. In fact I have done that a few times in years past, with my mom and the result is always the same. She is angry. She is a victim. She is hateful. She can make the situation a lot worse than it was in the first place. I have been there, done that and have way to many tee-shirts.
In all honesty I don't even know who my mom is anymore. I am not sure I ever really did. Its not that I want to blame her or accuse her or even that I am mad or hurt by her. I have forgiven her. I have moved forward in my life. Who she has chosen to be in the past five years, is nothing at all like the mom that I even thought I knew. Its very complicated. I love her and respect her as my mother but I have had to learn how to put up healthy boundary's, forgive, let go and move forward. It has not been a easy journey, but it has given me hope.
I am in awe that God has placed my brother, his father and their family, in my life. To have these puzzle pieces (photos and memories) about her past has helped me in many ways. I realize there are always two sides to every story and I am not saying that my mom was the "bad guy" in each relationship. I am sure there is more in each of her relationships that I know nothing about. I am grateful to have the little pieces that I have now.
From all that I have learned over the past two years with my own therapy, I recognize that my mom's wounds go deep. Probably deeper than I even want to think about. That has given me compassion for her. I had to come to a place in life where I needed to recognize the line of someone else's responsibility and choices and that of my own. Its not my job to make everyone happy nor is it my fault if someone I love makes a decision or a choice that I disagree with or if it brings about negative or destructive consequences. I can still love my mom, forgive her, and have compassion for her, but I have learned that I do not have to dance the dance with her.
I want to encourage you if you have a relationship with someone who is struggling with addictions, anger, or mental illness, it is ok to have healthy boundary's. I feel like I could go on and on with this topic and maybe I will on another blog, but for now I want to end with the word....Hope (the photo is of my mom and me- I was 4 months old...the other is a photo of my mom and me the last time I saw her)