Monday, January 23, 2012

The Void in My Heart

How do you fill a void in your in heart when you thought you filled it. Something triggers you to make you realize you only filled the void with sand. The sand has slowly been drifting away and the void is now visible to you, once again.  The definition of the word void, according the, is without contents; empty.

The void I am talking about is the absence of a relationship with my mother.  I realized years ago that even when we had a relationship; we really didn't. I have gone through a grieving process in this relationship.  I have grieved the relationship I always desired.  I have grieved for the loss of the relationship we did have.  I have grieved the loss of who she is and who I wish she was. I've grieved the loss of who I am and who she wanted me to be. I have grieved the loss of my childhood with her. I thought I was done.  I don't mean to sound harsh or mean.  I just meant that I thought once I accepted these things and moved forward that my void would fill up and I would never feel the sadness or emptiness I do when I think of my mom.
I realize now that allowing yourself to grieve the loss of a relationship whether by death, divorce, boundaries, or choices, that doesn't mean it's some how erased from your heart and mind.  Because my heart lives for hope, I still have hope that someday my mother and I can be reconciled.  I have no idea what that could even look like and it's in my best interest not to try to create a possible plan, because then I am in control and I set myself up for disappointment.
God created us with needs and He created us to crave relationships. We especially crave relationship, acceptance, and encouragement from our parents. If you feel you have a void in your heart whether it's a parent, spouse, or friend situation, there are many ways to fill the voids in our hearts You can chooses to numb your void with alcohol, drug abuse, or food addictions.  You can choose to cover up your void with bad relationship choices. You also have the choice to face the grief and the truth about the situation. Unfortunately, there really isn't an easy way out because, if you choose substance abuse or other relationships, it still doesn't solve the issue at hand. It covers it up and continues to add layers upon layers. It's in your best interest to face your grief so you can move forward in a healthy manner.

I have realized that while my heart desires a loving nurturing mother in my life, God has placed women in my life who are loving and nurturing.  Some of these women are my age, some are older, and some are younger.  Some have been in my life for many years, some were only in my life for short seasons, and some have touched my life without even realizing it. When I take the focus off of "me" and I look around at the people who surround me, I realize that while I miss having a nurturing loving relationship with my mother, I do have more than what any mother could possibly provide as one person, by the many many women that God has intentionally placed in my life.

Because I am human I will always have a spot in my heart with grief for my mother, however, it doesn't have to be a main focus in my life. It doesn't define me.  It doesn't complete me. It doesn't have to be a void.  I accept I will always have a want for the mother relationship my heart desire, but I wont allow it to blind me from the gifts that God has placed in my life with other women who choose to listen to me, encourage me, hope for me, love me, speak boldly to me -when needed, teach me, share with me, and continually spur me on to do the next right thing!

If you are feeling a void in your life due to the loss of a relationship, I want to encourage you to prayerfully consider those who God has placed in your path and stop allowing the "void" so much power and control over you, your day, your choices, and your life.