Papa

November 18th 2009, would have marked my grandfather's 91st birthday. Some of my best childhood memories are when I would spend weekends at Papa and Gonga's home. Papa was the name we called my grandfather and Gonga was the name we called my grandmother (Gonga came about when my cousin and I tried to say Grandma-somehow it came out as Gonga and it stuck) . They were my dad's parents. Sadly, Papa passed away on October 4, 1997 from Lung Cancer.

I am sure he was not always the perfect husband nor the perfect father, but I do know he was ALWAYS the perfect grandpa! He loved all of us grandkids more than life itself it seemed. I hope to carry on his grandparenting legacy of unconditional love and desire for quality time with my own grandchildren someday.

In honor of his birthday I wanted to tell you a few of my favorite memories or facts about my Papa, Gordon Silvy Tinsley.

1. He worked at US Pipe for 45 years. On an occasional Saturday, when he had to work or check on something, if my cousin and I were spending the weekend, he would take us with him. We loved going with him. He would always make it an fun adventure. US Pipe was on a very large piece of land and there were lots of empty space and wild critters around. He would drive around looking for things to point out. Our favorite was when he pointed to the Jack Rabbits as they would run from den to den as we drove around.

2. He was a hard worker, honest and fair in all areas of his life.

3. He was always friendly to everyone.

4. He loved when my cousins and I would race to greet him at as he got home from work. No matter how much stress was in his day, when he saw us, he left it all behind.

5. Whenever we spent the night we never brought PJ's because we ALWAYS slept in one of Papa's white tee shirts.

6. He always slept with the window open (he loved to hear the sound of the rain splatter against the aluminum patio cover and feel the coolness of the night).

7. He was always very affectionate. Hugs and kisses were freely given for all hello's and goodbye's

8. He loved when my cousin Stacey and I would comb his hair (the few he had) and shave him (with his electric razor).

9. He always took time to ask how you were doing.

10.He affectionately called each grandchild "stinker" or "Knucklehead" from time to time.

11. He loved to eat (and Gonga was a good cook),

12. He loved sweets and always had a drawer full of cookies and junk food "hidden" in the kitchen (every grandchild knew exactly where this drawer was).

13. He was generous. Christmas was one of his favorite holidays. He always made sure my grandmother bought LOTS of gifts for us to unwrap under the Christmas tree. He loved to see us unwrap each and every gift.

14. He liked to camp, fish, and garden.

15. He served in the US Navy.

16. He always made me feel safe and important.

17. He would laugh at all the right times even if what you said was not all that funny.

18. He loved to watch (and read) Old Westerns.

19. Family was important to him.

20. Before his death in 1997 he accepted Christ in his heart. I look forward to someday seeing him in Heaven, and if I know Papa, he is probably sitting down on his favorite heavenly couch (my grandmother is sitting on the other side of the couch and my dad is sitting on the love seat diagonally across) surrounded by lots of children and listening to them tell stories, laughing at their jokes, and letting them comb his hair. He probably has a stash of cookies in a drawer somewhere and a smile on his face as he looks down and sees his daughter, all his grandchildren, his great grandchildren and even his great great grandson born this summer! We love you and miss you Papa!

*the photos: me and Papa 12/68, Papa approx 95/96, my cousin Stacey, Papa, me 08/68*

Keep Moving Forward

As you know by now I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder along with panic/anxiety. I started therapy almost three years ago. I have made a lot of progress in many areas of my life. In fact the book I wrote deals with my PTSD and panic/anxiety issues-why I have them, what I know now, what my life is like since my diagnosis, how everything in my life ties into this, and more importantly where does God fit into all of this.

There are still a few areas that I have not been able to fully deal with head on yet. I am diligently working towards that. I say "fully deal with" because I have dealt with these issues to some degree but to another degree I have not. Part of this means facing a certain person. Not necessarily having a confrontation or finger pointing session but just simply facing this person. My concern is that there will be a day when I have to face this person. It will be at my daughters wedding. A day I am looking forward to and a day I want to truly enjoy with her. This will be her day. A day everyone will put aside everything from the past to see the future in Lauren and Stephen's life together.

Part of my "stress" in realizing the reality of seeing this person face to face after many years, is all that I have been through since our last conversation three and half years ago. I am not the same woman I was then. I am also not willing to follow in certain patterns or paths that we once did before for many years. I have worked very hard to get where I am emotionally and mentally. My faith is strong, stronger than its ever been and I trust in Gods timing and purpose. Without my faith I would be lost and hopeless.

Its interesting to me that I can talk a strong talk and mean it with all my heart and have control of my thoughts and emotions during the day, but then night time comes, and my subconscious mind almost taunts me and I have awoken this past weekend one night with a panic attack and last night with a very vivid and frightening dream. In God's perfect timing of this weekend I had a doctor appointment already set for today. After talking things over with my doctor she helped me see that my subconscious (brain) and my body (via the panic attack) where letting me know that yes, you are still dealing with certain issues, and my brain and body are doing what I need them to do in helping me reprocess (not erase but reprocess) memories, situations, and feelings from the past. She told me this is a good thing. You, see the trigger was that this person is here in town visiting and although I wont see this person at all its the fact of knowing this person is here that triggered my subconscious.

Knowing that my brain, body and heart are all working together to keep me on the path of healing and wholeness gives me such relief. Once again it shows me Gods hand is on me and His timing is perfect. I am trying to live out my quote...One day at a time. One moment at a time. There is hope!

I wanted to share this blog because I know there are many others who struggle with similar situations and I was almost feeling discouraged by my recent panic attack and dream. I felt like I must be going backwards but my doctor assured me that I am not. Its part of the healing process. Part of moving forward is sometimes having to look back, acknowledging and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Never give up hope! I also chose this photo of two friends walking forward together...because we are never alone!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OsyiGgSlqY (I am technology challenged but here is a link of one of my favorite songs and a great reminder to me this day)

A Woman of Moderation

A few months ago I signed up for a Women's Bible Study group at our church. As I perused the options, I was looking for one that was fairly close to my home, as well as a title that would jump out at me. When I saw the study titled....A Woman of Moderation, I was intrigued and then when I saw it was within a fifteen minute drive from my home, I knew this was the one for me. A few weeks past before it actually started, I was getting excited thinking about the study. Was I finally going to learn the secret to being a woman of moderation in all areas of my life?

I unfortunately missed the first night but as I excitedly came the following week, I realized this study was not exactly what I thought it was. It is in deed about being a woman of moderation but it has a main focus on food. The author, from a very young age, has apparently struggled with food and weight. Her mother forced her to go to a "fat camp" as a teenager and she was only ten pounds over weight. While at the camp she was considered an outcast because she didn't fit in with all of the other girls who were well over a ten pound weight gain. She was miserable and felt ashamed that she let her mother down by being "overweight" so when she came home, she claims she promptly put the ten pounds she had lost back on, plus an additional five! That chapter gave me a bigger glimpse into the authors heart and I began to understand a little more of why she (in my opinion) was so over the top with this book.

In spite of my opinion, the author does have a lot of good points and information, like how easy it is to become consumed with food. Some of us eat out of stress or loneliness, some overeat out of fear or depression. Some of us over eat because that is simply how we were raised, "finish your plate", "here have some more", or fond childhood memories with a family member who indulged us with food treats. Some of us overeat because we just like to eat and it tastes good.

I am determined to find a balance in my own life from this study. My hearts desire is to be a woman of moderation in all areas of my life. From food, to attitude, to TV, music, reading material, computer time, exercise (well, I need to start this first to find my balance of moderation), time spent away from my family, time spent with my family, church commitments, friendships, keeping up with the house and yard, the list can go on and on, but the point is really the same whether it is food or anything else if its not done in moderation, it is not helpful or benefical.

The definition according to Dictionary.com for moderation is

1. The quality of being moderate, restraint, avoidance of extremes or excess.
2. Being within reasonable limits, not excessive or extreme.

My prayer is to honestly examine all areas of my life and make sure I am within a limit or boundary of moderation. I know certain areas will be more challenging than others. Please feel free to share any tips or insight into your own life with areas of struggle or success in being a woman or man of moderation.

*Always remember its about striving for each day and when we fail, we can by Gods grace and mercy get back up and try again!

One day at a time, one moment at a time, there is hope

Fear

Fear is a small word but it can carry a lot of weight. I confess that fear has been a constant companion to me for most of my life. I did not realize how much fear controlled me until I was diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and panic/anxiety almost three years ago. Over the past several years my eyes have gradually opened up to how much fear has been in my heart and mind. Fear can cripple you. Fear can make you waste precious time and energy on unnecessary things. Fear can place you in a position to make a decision that you really dont want to make, but you are to afraid, so you make anyway. Fear can make you into somebody that God did not intend you to be.

Most of the fears I had were fears of disappointing someone, fears of not making the right choice, fears of making someone mad, fear of rejection, fear of what others could do to me or those I care about (emotional or physical harm), fear of the unknown, fear of not being in control, fear of others being out of control, fear of the "what if''s". I am sure I could add a lot more to this list if I kept going. Maybe you can as well.

Over the past several years I have been able to face certain fears and look back into my past and deal with them head on. It has not been easy and at times I did not want to push forward but I am glad, as I look back now, that I did.

As I began to open my eyes to the fears I had I saw patterns in my life. Which led me to question myself and wonder why I made certain choices and decisions in my life. Why did I marry a man who I knew had abusive tendency's and why did I choose to stay. Why did I allow my fear of what others would think or feel dictate things I did or did not do. Why did I feel so helpless to change my circumstances through out my life. Why did I assume so much of other peoples responsibilities. Why did I let fear have so much power over me.

As I began to unravel the tangled ball of fear in my life I started to see some of the answers to my questions. It took a lot of years for my fears to develop and they have not gone away quickly. Slow and steady, one by one, I am facing them. I am still facing some of them to this day. It's a work in progress. I have more hope today than I have ever had in my entire lifetime. I live my life trying to find the balance of wise fear and unhealthy fear. Sometimes that is a challenge but I know that I am not alone.

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit Romans 15:13

Update....

Well my friends, its official! I signed a contract last night for my book A Scarlet Cord of Hope. I am in awe of what God has done. I had no idea that my journaling would turn into a book. I was trying to find answers to a lot of "why" questions in my life and before I knew it, I had a lot of answers and a manuscript in my hands. It will be approximately six weeks before I have a book ready to sell, so in the mean time can you please join me in praying for the final fine tune touches that need to happen, as well as the ministry opportunity that this has for a message of HOPE .

I will have a special pre-order opportunity for anyone who wants it. I will post information on this in the coming weeks.

Thank you very much for your prayers, support, and encouragement!

God is so good!

Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Romans 15:13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

ps the photo is me and Mary Catherine (my publisher) signing the contract!

Dear Jaycee, I have been praying for you...

You have probably heard the news reports of the miraculous story of Jaycee Dugard. She was kidnapped at age eleven, she has been found alive and she is now twenty nine years old with two daughters. She was forced to live in unthinkable living conditions and situations.

As I have shared openly on this blog, I have post traumatic stress disorder and panic/anxiety. Because I have these issues I have to be very careful of news, stories, or such that will cause a trigger. I know stories that have to do with abuse especially to women and children trigger me. I will confess though, they are sometimes a magnet. I am drawn to them because I need to hope there is going to be a good outcome. Usually there is not and then I find myself thinking of their situation and my mind fills with thoughts, fears, and anxiety about my own children or me. I try to use those thoughts as prayer pointers. Once they pop in my head instead of dwelling on the situation I pray for that person or their family and force myself to move on from there.

I can clearly remember hearing the news reports about Jaycee's kidnapping eighteen years ago. My heart raced with fear for her. I prayed for months on end for her and her family. My daughter was was two and a half years old at the time of the news, she is now almost twenty one. My heart cries out for Jaycee's mom who has missed her daughter for all these long hard years. My heart cries out for Jaycee for all she has endured. She IS a survivor. She and her daughters will have a long road of recovery.

I know over the past eighteen years her story has "popped in my head" from time to time and each time I would find myself filling with fear and then I would remind myself pray, pray for her and her family and then let it go, otherwise I would truly find myself wanting to live in a bubble with my children. The world at times can be so evil and I will never comprehend what gives another person the idea that it is ok to bring harm, torture or violence to another person. I know we live in a fallen world and there is truly nothing new under the sun- the things going on today are the same things as went on in Bibical times, the only difference is the world now is filled with a lot more people.

There are numerous other families and situations that have come in and out of my mind over the years and with each time I pray and try my best to have hope for their families. Because of my PTSD and panic/anxiety it would be so easy for me to get swallowed up in fear but I know God is bigger. I have to remind myself to let my mind dwell on whatever is pure, lovely, of good repute. I must cling to my faith in those times and pray without ceasing.

If you are anything like me, I encourage you to use your fears and anxiety for "good" and not allow them to control you. As soon as you feel your mind start to wander in the "fear department", pray for whoever or whatever that situation is, journal your thoughts, talk to your spouse or a friend, read your Bible or write out scriptures that will encourage you. While we can not let fear control us, we still must be wise in our choices, and we must pray for those who cross our path whether it is physically, through the media, through an email, or through a prayer request.

Philippians 4:6-9 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Introduction chapter to A Scarlet Cord of Hope...my life living with guilt, shame, and fear

I would like to give you a preview of my book. Here is the introduction chapter.

Introduction.

As I sat on the front room couch with a blanket over me, I was watching the 10:00 news. I realized I was more tired than I thought I was. I normally watch the local news and flip through various channels until I feel tired enough for sleep. I suddenly felt more than ready for bed. I turned off the TV and went to my bedroom. I got into my bed, next to my sleeping husband, I laid my head on my pillow; I could feel myself ready for sleep. I woke up a few hours later, at 12:30 a.m., I was feeling very nauseous and disoriented. I felt I was suddenly coming down with the flu. I got up and went to the bathroom. As I stood up, my heart started racing wildly. I felt even more nauseous. I felt very afraid. My body was sweaty and clammy. My head was spinning. My chest was hurting. I slowly made it back to the bed after I realized I was not going to get sick. I thought maybe that I just needed to lie down. I felt relief for only a brief moment. Then all of the sudden waves of nausea hit me, as I have never felt before. I felt a strong heat wave go through my body from my head to my toes. I felt my heart beating so fast that I thought it might beat out of my chest! I felt as if I could barely breathe. I was frantically trying to fill my lungs with air. I was very afraid. I felt like I was dying.

In February 2007, I was diagnosed with Anxiety, Panic, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. At first, I fought this diagnosis. I thought PTSD was only for people who served during wartime or who had some sort of major disaster happen in their life. I also did not believe that I had a panic attack. After my first attack, as I lay in the emergency room, I knew this was MUCH more serious than simply being anxious or worried. On that hospital bed, I knew there was something seriously wrong. I knew I was dying.

From all I have learned over the past few years this diagnosis is much more intricate and PTSD, panic and anxiety can go hand in hand. I realize now my diagnosis was correct. With God’s strength, a supportive loving husband and children, as well as two amazing doctors, I am now on a path learning how to control and deal with my panic and anxiety. I am learning trigger points and how to use “the tools in my basket” to help me when situations come up that trigger my anxious response. I am on a journey! For me I know this will be a life-long journey. I know there are many others who are also on a similar journey. Recognizing this fact has also helped me. It is important that we know we are not alone. Our symptoms, triggers, and story may differ, but the underlining issue is the same.

I have felt like my life experiences have been a series of puzzle pieces. I did not know what the final puzzle would look like, but I knew that I needed to put the pieces together to bring order to my life. The goal of this book is to honestly examine each piece as an individual and with God’s help, put them together.

This is not a book complaining about my childhood, or being a victim. This book is not meant to tell every aspect of my life. The events, situations and experiences I tell about are what I feel propelled me into PTSD, panic and anxiety. It was not one event for me; it was a lifetime of events, circumstances and people. As I look back I can see each of these situations and experiences as threads in my life, threads that are not necessarily strong on their own but woven together they created a cord that hung firmly from my neck. The threads, scarlet in color, signify the guilt and shame I felt over different situation and events in my life.

Some things that I mention are to show the patterns I was in that propelled me towards PTSD. I take full responsibility for the things I chose to do and for the relationships, I chose to pursue and stay in. While I do not blame anyone or anything, you will see I was primed for relationships and situations that would plunge me into PTSD, panic and anxiety. You will see certain patterns emerge very early on for me. Perhaps you will be able to recognize patterns and situations in your life and make corrections earlier than I was able to. My heart’s desire is to help someone who needs to hear my story.

As I began this journey of writing I was not sure why or exactly what would come of it. I just knew that I needed to do it. It was very evident to me, as I got closer to the end that God was showing me clearly He was there from the very beginning to the present time. The picture of this is all of the scriptures woven through each chapter. It was as if God was walking through this with me and very lovingly and gently proving Himself to me repeatedly.
I have also added a section called What I Know Now at the end of each chapter. The concept behind this is give you some perspective into what I have learned since then, or a spiritual truth that helped me along the way as I was searching for hope. There is always hope...
Romans 15:4 For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope”.