Monday, October 5, 2009


Fear is a small word but it can carry a lot of weight. I confess that fear has been a constant companion to me for most of my life. I did not realize how much fear controlled me until I was diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and panic/anxiety almost three years ago. Over the past several years my eyes have gradually opened up to how much fear has been in my heart and mind. Fear can cripple you. Fear can make you waste precious time and energy on unnecessary things. Fear can place you in a position to make a decision that you really dont want to make, but you are to afraid, so you make anyway. Fear can make you into somebody that God did not intend you to be.

Most of the fears I had were fears of disappointing someone, fears of not making the right choice, fears of making someone mad, fear of rejection, fear of what others could do to me or those I care about (emotional or physical harm), fear of the unknown, fear of not being in control, fear of others being out of control, fear of the "what if''s". I am sure I could add a lot more to this list if I kept going. Maybe you can as well.

Over the past several years I have been able to face certain fears and look back into my past and deal with them head on. It has not been easy and at times I did not want to push forward but I am glad, as I look back now, that I did.

As I began to open my eyes to the fears I had I saw patterns in my life. Which led me to question myself and wonder why I made certain choices and decisions in my life. Why did I marry a man who I knew had abusive tendency's and why did I choose to stay. Why did I allow my fear of what others would think or feel dictate things I did or did not do. Why did I feel so helpless to change my circumstances through out my life. Why did I assume so much of other peoples responsibilities. Why did I let fear have so much power over me.

As I began to unravel the tangled ball of fear in my life I started to see some of the answers to my questions. It took a lot of years for my fears to develop and they have not gone away quickly. Slow and steady, one by one, I am facing them. I am still facing some of them to this day. It's a work in progress. I have more hope today than I have ever had in my entire lifetime. I live my life trying to find the balance of wise fear and unhealthy fear. Sometimes that is a challenge but I know that I am not alone.

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit Romans 15:13

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