I am From...

I went to a writers workshop today by Minton Sparks. It was one of the best workshops I have ever been to. Minton Sparks is an author and performer. She is much more "artsy" than me, but she intrigued me none the less. I was drawn in by everything she had to say. Another aspect I enjoyed was the rest of the participants. All women (except for Minton's assistant who brought her boyfriend). There were approximately 30 women of all ages, races and backgrounds. We all had opportunities to share bits and pieces of who we are at different times through out the workshop. There is something about that kind of environment that invigorates me. I love to share my story and hear about other life experiences and story's. It never ceases to amaze me how we all really do have a story and more of us are alike in our life experience than we realize. There is something powerful, beautiful and freeing by sharing with others.

Minton gave us four different writing lessons but the one I want to share with you is from a poem she gave us by George Ella Lyon called Where I am From

(go to http://www.georgeellalyon.com/where.html if you want to read it). The point of the lesson was to write brief descriptions of where you are from. There is no right or wrong way to do this and it can change day to day. You can also focus on one area of your life or a person in your life. I wanted to share what I wrote with you. ( I would love to hear your story via this poem expression...feel free to email it to me at sheryl@sherylgriffin.com)

Where I am from...

I am from a duplex in a cul de sac

where large bushes grow

that form purple and blue flowers

and sidewalks never seem to end

I am from fighting, arguing, sadness, divorce, tears and grief

I am from new life, new family

keep it all in-don't let it out

lots of chores and young children to help watch

the smell of cigarettes and stale beer

I am from desires, yearnings, and longings that go unmet

wishful dreams and fairy tales in my head

I am from guilt, shame, and fear

I am from two very different families

one of control on the outside but chaos on the inside and the other of despair, and don't talk about things, head held up, don't let your guard down, and a never ending list of responsibilities

I am from NOW...freedom, peace, forgiveness and looking back with eyes wide open

I am from wholeness in Christ with His arms open wide, a loving husband and two wonderful gifts...my children-together we are from NOW.

Forgiveness

We had a guest speaker this week at church, Debbie French. Debbie is part of our church family. Her husband Steve is one of the church elders. Whenever Debbie speaks I am always listening with both ears and all of my heart. She is a simple yet elegant woman who has her heart and life centered securely on Christ. I could listen to her for hours. She said a lot of powerful things but the one that stuck in my mind the most was on unforgiveness she said, "its like you drinking a bottle of poison and then expecting the other person to die". Wow! Let that soak into your mind and heart just for a minute.

Forgiveness is a powerful word. It is also a simple but yet complex word. It can be easy to say or it can be very hard to say. It can be easy to accept or it can be very challenging to accept.

A few years ago the director at the school that I work at was talking about classroom management and discipline. As I was sharing about a particular situation with two children she told me that it was important that the one who offended asks forgiveness when they understand and are ready but more importantly the one who was offended is not encouraged to say "its ok", but instead simply say, "I forgive you". It took me a while to fully understand and accept this because for my entire life I have been unofficially trained to accept and say "its ok" when someone did something to offend or hurt me. Its not "ok". There is a difference in it being ok and that of forgiving someone. Forgiving someone is not saying that whatever was done or said was "ok" a.k.a acceptable. Saying its ok is like giving permission but by saying I forgive you, that is saying, yes it hurt and it was not ok, but I will release the pain, hurt, disappointment, etc and move forward (in other words I wont drink the poison).

I wish that forgiveness came with an eraser but it doesn't. Sometimes you may have to work a little harder or face something you don't want to, but in the big picture of life when you forgive you are drinking in life and refreshment to your soul not the big bottle of poison that comes attached with unforgiveness. Forgiveness is not offering a free pass to hurt others. Forgiveness is actually a gift to yourself. Freedom to let it go. Unforgiveness holds you in bondage to that person. Somethings are easier to forgive than others. Deep wounds, physical wounds and emotional wounds do hurt and forgiveness doesn't always ease the pain right away but it does help you move forward towards healing. It keeps you from being in bondage to that person.

If we can remember that unforgiveness is like drinking poison while we wait for the other person to die, then maybe just maybe, that will move us towards forgiveness and that will lift the heaviness from our shoulders and our heart. Remember its one day at a time. One moment at a time and as always...there is hope! Make the choice to forgive today.

The Best Day

The title of my blog is taken from a song by Taylor Swift. I have recently started bike riding (after looking at my bike in the garage for eight years!) and I knew if I was going to ride for more than five minutes I would need to listen to something. I found my husbands CD player, ear buds and I picked up the Taylor Swift CD. For a few moments as I was pedaling my bike through the neighborhood, I allowed myself the freedom to feel young again. I felt good. I was smiling and even found myself enjoying the challenge of the (slight) uphill inclines as I pushed my legs harder and harder and my breathing became more labored, Taylor continued to sing and this seemed to give me the boost I needed. A few times I found myself wanting to sing out loud as I pedaled on and on. For anyone who knows me that is very unusual. I don't sing. I especially don't enjoy singing out loud for other people to hear me.

As I continued biking around the neighborhood a song that I had not heard before began to play. I tend to be attracted to the music before the words (although the words are very important- that is what sticks in your head and I am firm believer in garbage in-garbage out). The music to this song caught my attention and as I listened to the words I was hooked. I hit the repeat button and played it over and over. If you have not heard this song before I encourage you to listen to it. The song is about a mother and daughter At one point as I was riding and listening I found myself getting emotional and for some odd reason this made me want to pedal harder and faster (note to self...always listen to emotionally powerful songs when exercising). I felt as if this song was meant for me and my daughter. If you have been following my blog you know that my daughter is dating a wonderful young man who has asked us for our blessing to ask her to marry him. There is a plan in place that she knows nothing about (although she knows its coming, she doesn't know when or how). I go back and forth with her because she knows its coming but she doesn't have that ring on her finger quite yet, so when she starts talking about wedding plans or future plans I say..."wait, you don't have a ring on your finger yet"....then there are times that I catch myself doing exactly what I tell her not to do! I comment or day dream about the wedding and her life with her future husband. I am excited for her. When you pray for someone for over twenty years and you have hopes and dreams for your own baby and you can see it unfold right before your eyes...yes, it's hard to have patience, but it will be worth it.

As I listen to this song I day dream about her wedding day and having a mother daughter dance to this song (I know that is not traditional and may sound weird-but we had a mother daughter dance at my wedding and I cherish the memory of her and I dancing together in our white dresses and her sweet little seven year old face beaming love to me as we danced together). I find myself getting sucked into the song as the words play over and over. I can clearly picture my daughter as the five year old putting on her pink coat, smiling, running and exhausted at the end of the day falling asleep on my lap. I find myself emotional because this represents innocence and security. Something I didn't feel as a child and I know that is something my mother never felt as a child. But it is something by God's grace that my daughter did feel. As the song continues she sings about being thirteen and having a fallout with her friends and in the song the mom recognizes this and takes time to love her through it by taking her for a drive and talking with her....I find myself recalling a time when my daughter came home very hurt and upset by friends at school. I didn't take her for a drive outside of town but I did pray with her and teach her to "stomp on the devil" (jump up and down very deliberate and scream loud...."devil you are not going to get this day from me...I am loved, I am beautiful, and you are stinky mean" (well I am not sure those were the exact words its been so long now but I know it was along those lines). As we sat on her bed, she hugged me, we laughed, and she told me she loved me. I know my mom never did this for me and I don't blame her because I know she was never loved the way a child should be. She also never had a sense of security as a child. I know my mom wanted to do the things that I felt I missed out on and now as an adult I can see that, and it moves me towards compassion for her.

As the song goes on she tells of having an excellent father....that is something we all have. I am not talking about a biological father but our excellent father in Heaven who loves us unconditionally. The last two parts of the song are about her reminiscing as she watches a video from her childhood back in the days of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs. This brings a huge smile to my face as my daughter loved dress up and she loved Snow White and the Seven DORF's (she called them this for years). She goes on to sing about realizing her mom was on her side even when she was wrong. This has me reflecting on my daughters journey the past few years and all she has been through and where she is today (praise God).

This song brings good memories and feelings but I also find myself feeling sad. I am sad for my childhood. I am sad for my mom and her life. I believe its ok to feel this. Its a part of my healing and moving forward. When you have the things in your life that I have dealt with, in order to move forward you need to look back and know that its ok to grieve and be sad. This has helped me tremendously in my journey towards hope.

Its never to late. Today is a new day. One day at a time. One moment at a time. There is hope.

Taking The Mask Off

We all wear masks at different times in our life. These masks are to protect us from the things we perceive that others may judge us by, or somehow make us unacceptable in others eyes, or protect us from pain, or we put them on to make others comfortable around us. There are also other reasons we put our masks on but these are the reasons that speak the loudest to me. I am in a season of life where I have flung my mask off and I never want to wear it again. Its scary. Its hard. It makes me feel vulnerable. I have found the more real I am with those around me they either open up to me and understand or they move away from me. I spent my entire life putting things under the rug and wearing a mask. Trying to be perfect in others eyes. Trying to be everything to everyone. Making other feel comfortable even when I was not. The mask also acted as a shield-shielding others from seeing all of the guilt and shame I carried around on the scarlet cord that invisibly sat firmly around my neck. I think my mind got so tired and the rug got so full that my mind and body finally had enough and that is when I had my first panic attack. I have come a long way since that day in January 2007.

Part of taking off my mask is that I have learned its ok to be real with others. Its ok to say no. Its important for me to understand that I am not responsible for other people's choices or behaviours. I have also learned how to speak up when I am uncomfortable or when I feel that something is not right. That is huge for me.

I realized how far I have come today when we were at Trader Joe's (I love Trader Joe's). One of my favorite items there is the TJ French Roast coffee. I had placed a full container of beans inside the coffee grinder and pushed the button anticipating the smell of fresh coffee beans wafting up to my nose. I noticed the grinder sounded different. I looked in the container and it only had a few inches of coffee inside then I opened the lid to the grinder and using the lid for the container I pushed some of the beans down a little more. I pushed the start button again...nothing but a whirring noise. I found a woman who was pushing a cart of boxes and told her of the dilemma, as she wiped the sweat from her forehead with her hand she said she would be right over to help me. She was over in my aisle within a minute or so. She immediately opened the grinder lid and starting pushing the beans down with her hands. Now I will tell you I am not a germ a phob but I am a firm believer in hand washing or at least use gloves if you are touching someones food (or coffee grinds). She continued to dig her hands around and push the grinds down. I knew in that moment I did not want those coffee grinds any more. I felt myself starting to get uncomfortable. I didn't want to offend her. I spoke up and said, "I appreciate your help but I will just grab another container of coffee beans and use the other grinder-no worries". She said she had it under control and continued to put her hands in the grinder and continued grinding the beans slowly for me. I felt even more uncomfortable and for a moment I thought I would just let her do it and pretend to take the container she gave me and then when she left the aisle I would put that one on the counter and get a fresh container and use the other grinder that was working. I quickly decided that would not be a good option-someone may pick it up and buy it. I knew I needed to "confront" her. I gently touched her arm and said, "I don't mean to be rude but I would prefer a new container of beans, you have put your hands inside the grinder and the beans and while I am sure your hands are clean, I would feel better if I could please get a new container". Her face turned red and she continued moving the beans in the grinder and said, "well my hands are clean I just got back from lunch". I said, "I am sure they are clean but really I want a new container and I will just use this other grinder, I appreciate your help though". She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders and I grabbed another container of beans and used the other grinder. She finished grinding the beans and took the container with her. I finished grinding and went over to tell Doug about our exchange and he said he was proud of me! He knows this was huge for me.

I realized that I would have never done that before. I would have felt obligated to take the coffee beans that she had her hands all over or I would have waited till she was gone and changed it out. I would have put my mask on to make her comfortable. I think you can find a balance of confronting someone or even taking off your mask without being rude. I know I made her uncomfortable because the redness in her face gave it away. My intention was not to embarrass her but to state the truth as it was. Its hard to find the balance sometimes but when you do, oh it feels so good. It also feels good to take off my mask!

White Lies...Big Lies

Lies seem to come in a variety of sizes and color. For instance we all know the phrase "little white lie". It is supposed to mean its a lie, but not necessarily a BIG or "harmful" lie, but none the less, still a lie. Is it ever ok to tell a white lie? I am certainly not going to point any fingers because I think we are all guilty at some point in our lifetime of telling a "white lie, whether it was to get out of trouble, not hurt someones feelings or just because we don't want to deal with the conversation or situation at the time. Sometimes we tell white lies because we want a particular response from a person. Whatever the reason you can usually convince yourself it was "ok", even though it isn't.

Then there are the BIG lies. These lies are sometimes unbelievable and sometimes very believable. Sometimes these lies hurt you more than the lie itself. It can ruin relationships and trust. Usually you can't justify these, but some how they still come out. I think there is usually an underlining reason for these lies. In all honesty I think there is even a reason for the "white lies"....you are covering up something that you are either ashamed of or you feel the need to make yourself look better in someones eyes. Sometimes people don't want to deal with the issue. Its harder to dig deep and deal with things head on, but lying only puts it under the rug. Its still there. It hasn't gone away. The truth is still there underneath the lie.

A lie no matter the color or the size is sin. The Bible doe not have a measure of which sin is worse the liar, murderer,the stealer, or the gossiper. Sin is sin. We are all sinners (but we have grace, mercy and forgiveness of God at our finger tips) The real point of lies is that whether it is a white lie, big lie or the in between lie, lies hinder you from getting to the real heart of the matter. I encourage you the next time you hear yourself trying to justify a white lie- stop and just be honest with yourself. Ask yourself why? what am I hiding from? how is this really going to help the situation? What do I really need to deal with? and if you find yourself in the unfortunate scenario of a big lie...admit your lie and ask forgiveness directly from the person you lied to and then ask yourself the bigger questions....what do I need to deal with within myself. You will find freedom in honesty. Freedom sometimes comes at a cost but it is worth it.

Asking For A Blessing To Marry

A few weeks ago my daughter's boyfriend asked if he could take my husband and I out to dinner. We already knew why, but we enjoyed the formality of it all. This is also a once in a lifetime moment, so I want to soak in every aspect I can. We set May 13th as the day and it was a moment in time I will treasure forever. After small talk and eating a delicious meal together, he sat nervously across from us and told us his feelings for our daughter and how he would like to have our blessing to ask her to marry him. Since we knew their relationship was heading in this direction we had already discussed questions we wanted to ask, as well as topics we wanted to talk about.

It was important to us to know why he feels Lauren is the one for him. As my husband likes to say..."does she check all of his boxes". What makes her so special to him. Why does he want to spend the rest of his life with her. Does he really want to spend the rest of his life with her? is divorce ever an option for him. Both my husband and I have been previously married. We married without really knowing who we were as individuals nor what we really wanted in a spouse. We also married the first time for all the wrong reasons. (this topic is for another time & our story is in my book....A Scarlet Cord Of Hope...soon to be published summer 2009)

We asked him to tell us what marriage means to him. We asked him personal questions that clearly were none of our business and we gave him an "out" telling him sincerely that he could feel free to tell us, I am not comfortable going there with you or I prefer not to answer that. He remained very open with us answering and commenting on everything we put out on the table. We also asked him to tell us how he views the role of husband as well as the wife and what his feelings and lifestyle choices reflect in the financial area. I wanted to make sure he understood that we support God's ideal for marriage and the leave to cleave part but that we are still connected as a family. The same goes for his family. We have an incrediable opportunity here to not only gain a son in law but also a whole other family connection. The same goes for him.

We also asked Lauren these same questions at different times over the past months. Once you walk in the shoes that we have, you don't want your children to make the same mistakes, this is why it was so important to us to hear their answers and hearts. It was also meant to cause them to think.

We have had many opportunity's to get to know Stephen (and we have watched and listened ALOT), and we have a pretty good idea how he would handle certain aspects like conflicts and anger (fair & Biblical) and do his actions speak louder than his words (yes), is he a man of his word?(yes) is he a man of integrity?(yes) is he capable of taking care of our daughter and future grandchildren (yes), is he a man who will honor God and lead his family by his example (yes). We still talked about these areas though. We shared openly with him about parts of our own testimony as well as where we are now (for the past 13 years).

While I don't want to divulge much more information because somethings do need to stay within the family limits, I will say that I was very impressed with how he thoughtfully answered each question no matter the topic. He was also very good at letting us know he heard our hearts- he understood and respected us. One thing I will share is one of his reasons to our question...what attracted him to Lauren and why does he think she is the one...he answered that he of course was attracted to her, they also shared similar values and morals, but more than that, as he got to know her he saw that family was important to her and he loved the fact that she has a close relationship with us. This was important to him.

Our conversation went from light and easy to deep and emotional. I feel like we each opened our hearts and we also heard each others heart as well. He has made it clear that Lauren checks all his boxes (and he checks all hers as well). We ended dinner with a hand shake and hug! (the hand shake was more in fun but the hug was real!). Welcome to the family Stephen (and I look forward to the day that I can officially call you my future son in law.

Stay posted for the actual engagement...Lauren doesn't know when, how, or where, but we do and my lips are sealed until then

* my soon to be future son in law is in the medical field but his passion is in music. He is a very talented musician and song writer and he has written a special song for Lauren you can hear it at

http://www.myspace.com/stephenbelk

A 28 Mile Walk and the lessons I learned

My son will be graduating from elementary school. He will move on to intermediate school. For the past 17 years, the school he attends has given the 4th graders a rite of passage as they leave elementary school a 28 mile- two day walk. Every student at this school looks forward to this. Every year as the 4th graders triumphantly return the entire school is outside (kindergarten-3rd grade) waving signs and cheering. The 3rd graders look longingly at the 4th graders and dream of their own triumphant entry next year, as the lead teacher smiles and shouts to them "this can be YOU next year"!

In an attempt to prepare the children for the two day event they have walk practice four days a week. They walk three miles in approximately 45 minutes, with the exception of Fridays, each Friday you walk an additional 15 minutes. The last Friday you walk 2 hours. I assumed if I participated in these practices I would be more than ready. The first two practices were very eye opening to me. I assumed "walk" meant like how I walk in the neighborhood with the dog. I was wrong. Walk practices were fast paced and intentional. I knew it would important to go to as many practices as possible, and I did, although I would soon realize these practices would not fully prepare for me for what lay ahead.

There was speculation that the walk may be postponed due to the severe rain we had the past several days. The morning of the walk it was not raining and it was decided we would go ahead with the plans. We started off at a nice pace walking on the road. My husband and I were walking along side our son and enjoying our time together. We walked several hours and then we stopped for lunch. After lunch the group ventured off the road and into the trails. At first it was wonderful. The views were breath taking. The colors, fresh air, the scenery and even the colorful insects....but somewhere all of that stopped. We had to leave the trail because of flooding. We were now in areas that were filled with gooey mud and very narrow "paths". We had to climb uphill in the mud and rocks. Our group got way behind the main group because of the challenge of climbing over dead trees, going down hill in steep mud and complete inexperience (us as well as the most of the children). Before I knew it the teachers who were behind our group were now directly behind us telling us we had to move even faster to catch up! I asked them to please tell the lead teacher to slow down and wait for us...their reply was that we have to push and keep moving faster. While I understood that we needed to be out of the woods before it got dark, I did not understand why the sudden turn of events. How did we get so off track. We apparently needed to make up time and the only way to do that was to move faster. We were already moving as fast as we could. Our eyes stayed fixated on the mud as we looked for the safest best place to step, trying to move FAST, trying to stay safe, all the while going up and down hills in mud. At this point it was no longer enjoyable. Eventually one of the experienced dads realized we were very far back and he came back on his own to lead us to the group. I felt like we were in boot camp. No sympathy, no stopping, no enjoyment, just push through until the end. We continued to climb and slosh in the mud walking in areas that I am sure were never intended for 100 people to walk through. Eighteen miles later and we finally made it to the destination. I have never been so relieved to see a road and waiting vehicles. We were driven to the school that we were staying overnight in. Everyone was exhausted and sore. My right leg was very sore. Even though I was tired, sore, and the day did not at all meet my expectation of what I thought it would be like, I was proud of myself, my husband and our son, we made it....we walked 18 miles, surely the next day with only 10 miles would be a piece of cake compared to today.

After a good nights sleep we were ready for day two. The reality of the last ten miles was that they were far worse than the first eighteen. Extremely narrow "paths" were filled with more mud and there were more steep inclines. Maybe it just seemed worse because I was so sore from the day before. If I ever climb another hillside sideways in the mud it will be to soon! This is also the day that I received the only injury in the family. As we were sloshing through thick mud on a narrow path that was filled with jagged rocks I lost my balance and fell forward onto my right shin. I sat down on a rock and wanted to cry. I said to my husband, " I am done!", but I had to get up and keep going there was no way out except to move forward. I kept reminding myself once we make it to the lunch destination the rest of the "walk" is on the roadway. It will be easier. We made it to lunch and then we started out on the road towards Heart Break Ridge a very steep incline that leads to a road stop where you can see a spectacular water fall. Our group was second and I was determined not to fall back. It was only a matter of minutes (ok seconds) that I realized I didn't have the energy to push hard any more. My leg was very sore by now and before I realized it other groups were passing us. We kept encouraging each other....we can do this! we can do this! but 3/4 of the way up the hill my leg was hurting so bad I was almost in tears. It was then that I knew I needed to stop, after all this was not the Sheryl Griffin walk! it was the 4th grade walk!. There is no shame in stopping. None of the teachers are even going to notice if I make it or not and what good will it do for me to really damage my body....all for what? so I told my husband and son I surrender, but please go on and make it for me! I got into the car that was tracking us and drove the rest of the way up hill into the falls area. My husband and son made it and went to see the falls. I knew it would not be a good idea for me to try to go down there, so I sat and rested my leg and dreamed about a hot shower, ibuprofen, and my pillow!

Apparently according to a few teachers who have done this walk many times, this year was the hardest most challenging walk they have ever had. Now that it has been a few days and I am rested and no longer limping around, I am so proud of our accomplishment and I am grateful that my husband and I were there to experience this with our son. It truly was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I am glad we did it.

Lessons I have learned:

1. Its important to always be prepared....taking this on a spiritual level....this is why it's important to keep your armour on and keep it well maintained-you never know what kind of condition/challenges you may run into

2. Don't be afraid to challenge yourself but also know when to stop

3. Its ok to say that I am not an outdoors adventurous person (and I am glad my husband isn't either- God put us together for a reason!) :) I don't have to be all things to anyone nor do I have to be what someone else is or thinks I should be

4. Life will always be easier if you stay on the path you are supposed to be on (and if you have to take a detour-that is ok-just get back on as soon as possible)

5. If you have faith the size of a mustard seed you will tell this mountain move from here to there and it will move, nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20 (*I wish I would have remembered this verse then! but in all seriousness...this is a verse that speaks volumes to me...two times I wanted to sit down, cry and just go home....but I pushed on and prayed that God would give me the strength and stamina to make it, at that moment, I felt like my faith was the size of a mustard seed and still God heard my prayer!)

6. Sometimes a walk really means a hike...be prepared

7. Never give up on the goal before you

8. I am stronger than I thought I was

9. It is important to take care of our body's (and our spiritual and emotional self as well)

10. Sometimes its ok that you don't know the exact way things will actually happen- if I had known this walk was going to be the way it turned out to be, I would have never agreed to go-at least not both days- I would have clearly missed out on the experience (even as hard as it was) with my son and husband-the end result was... we made it!

I will end with one of my favorite scriptures...this walk was not nearly as extreme as this verse but it is a reminder of His promise to all of us!

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you: And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. Isaiah 43:2