The Best Day

The title of my blog is taken from a song by Taylor Swift. I have recently started bike riding (after looking at my bike in the garage for eight years!) and I knew if I was going to ride for more than five minutes I would need to listen to something. I found my husbands CD player, ear buds and I picked up the Taylor Swift CD. For a few moments as I was pedaling my bike through the neighborhood, I allowed myself the freedom to feel young again. I felt good. I was smiling and even found myself enjoying the challenge of the (slight) uphill inclines as I pushed my legs harder and harder and my breathing became more labored, Taylor continued to sing and this seemed to give me the boost I needed. A few times I found myself wanting to sing out loud as I pedaled on and on. For anyone who knows me that is very unusual. I don't sing. I especially don't enjoy singing out loud for other people to hear me.

As I continued biking around the neighborhood a song that I had not heard before began to play. I tend to be attracted to the music before the words (although the words are very important- that is what sticks in your head and I am firm believer in garbage in-garbage out). The music to this song caught my attention and as I listened to the words I was hooked. I hit the repeat button and played it over and over. If you have not heard this song before I encourage you to listen to it. The song is about a mother and daughter At one point as I was riding and listening I found myself getting emotional and for some odd reason this made me want to pedal harder and faster (note to self...always listen to emotionally powerful songs when exercising). I felt as if this song was meant for me and my daughter. If you have been following my blog you know that my daughter is dating a wonderful young man who has asked us for our blessing to ask her to marry him. There is a plan in place that she knows nothing about (although she knows its coming, she doesn't know when or how). I go back and forth with her because she knows its coming but she doesn't have that ring on her finger quite yet, so when she starts talking about wedding plans or future plans I say..."wait, you don't have a ring on your finger yet"....then there are times that I catch myself doing exactly what I tell her not to do! I comment or day dream about the wedding and her life with her future husband. I am excited for her. When you pray for someone for over twenty years and you have hopes and dreams for your own baby and you can see it unfold right before your eyes...yes, it's hard to have patience, but it will be worth it.

As I listen to this song I day dream about her wedding day and having a mother daughter dance to this song (I know that is not traditional and may sound weird-but we had a mother daughter dance at my wedding and I cherish the memory of her and I dancing together in our white dresses and her sweet little seven year old face beaming love to me as we danced together). I find myself getting sucked into the song as the words play over and over. I can clearly picture my daughter as the five year old putting on her pink coat, smiling, running and exhausted at the end of the day falling asleep on my lap. I find myself emotional because this represents innocence and security. Something I didn't feel as a child and I know that is something my mother never felt as a child. But it is something by God's grace that my daughter did feel. As the song continues she sings about being thirteen and having a fallout with her friends and in the song the mom recognizes this and takes time to love her through it by taking her for a drive and talking with her....I find myself recalling a time when my daughter came home very hurt and upset by friends at school. I didn't take her for a drive outside of town but I did pray with her and teach her to "stomp on the devil" (jump up and down very deliberate and scream loud...."devil you are not going to get this day from me...I am loved, I am beautiful, and you are stinky mean" (well I am not sure those were the exact words its been so long now but I know it was along those lines). As we sat on her bed, she hugged me, we laughed, and she told me she loved me. I know my mom never did this for me and I don't blame her because I know she was never loved the way a child should be. She also never had a sense of security as a child. I know my mom wanted to do the things that I felt I missed out on and now as an adult I can see that, and it moves me towards compassion for her.

As the song goes on she tells of having an excellent father....that is something we all have. I am not talking about a biological father but our excellent father in Heaven who loves us unconditionally. The last two parts of the song are about her reminiscing as she watches a video from her childhood back in the days of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs. This brings a huge smile to my face as my daughter loved dress up and she loved Snow White and the Seven DORF's (she called them this for years). She goes on to sing about realizing her mom was on her side even when she was wrong. This has me reflecting on my daughters journey the past few years and all she has been through and where she is today (praise God).

This song brings good memories and feelings but I also find myself feeling sad. I am sad for my childhood. I am sad for my mom and her life. I believe its ok to feel this. Its a part of my healing and moving forward. When you have the things in your life that I have dealt with, in order to move forward you need to look back and know that its ok to grieve and be sad. This has helped me tremendously in my journey towards hope.

Its never to late. Today is a new day. One day at a time. One moment at a time. There is hope.