Update....

Well my friends, its official! I signed a contract last night for my book A Scarlet Cord of Hope. I am in awe of what God has done. I had no idea that my journaling would turn into a book. I was trying to find answers to a lot of "why" questions in my life and before I knew it, I had a lot of answers and a manuscript in my hands. It will be approximately six weeks before I have a book ready to sell, so in the mean time can you please join me in praying for the final fine tune touches that need to happen, as well as the ministry opportunity that this has for a message of HOPE .

I will have a special pre-order opportunity for anyone who wants it. I will post information on this in the coming weeks.

Thank you very much for your prayers, support, and encouragement!

God is so good!

Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Romans 15:13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

ps the photo is me and Mary Catherine (my publisher) signing the contract!

Dear Jaycee, I have been praying for you...

You have probably heard the news reports of the miraculous story of Jaycee Dugard. She was kidnapped at age eleven, she has been found alive and she is now twenty nine years old with two daughters. She was forced to live in unthinkable living conditions and situations.

As I have shared openly on this blog, I have post traumatic stress disorder and panic/anxiety. Because I have these issues I have to be very careful of news, stories, or such that will cause a trigger. I know stories that have to do with abuse especially to women and children trigger me. I will confess though, they are sometimes a magnet. I am drawn to them because I need to hope there is going to be a good outcome. Usually there is not and then I find myself thinking of their situation and my mind fills with thoughts, fears, and anxiety about my own children or me. I try to use those thoughts as prayer pointers. Once they pop in my head instead of dwelling on the situation I pray for that person or their family and force myself to move on from there.

I can clearly remember hearing the news reports about Jaycee's kidnapping eighteen years ago. My heart raced with fear for her. I prayed for months on end for her and her family. My daughter was was two and a half years old at the time of the news, she is now almost twenty one. My heart cries out for Jaycee's mom who has missed her daughter for all these long hard years. My heart cries out for Jaycee for all she has endured. She IS a survivor. She and her daughters will have a long road of recovery.

I know over the past eighteen years her story has "popped in my head" from time to time and each time I would find myself filling with fear and then I would remind myself pray, pray for her and her family and then let it go, otherwise I would truly find myself wanting to live in a bubble with my children. The world at times can be so evil and I will never comprehend what gives another person the idea that it is ok to bring harm, torture or violence to another person. I know we live in a fallen world and there is truly nothing new under the sun- the things going on today are the same things as went on in Bibical times, the only difference is the world now is filled with a lot more people.

There are numerous other families and situations that have come in and out of my mind over the years and with each time I pray and try my best to have hope for their families. Because of my PTSD and panic/anxiety it would be so easy for me to get swallowed up in fear but I know God is bigger. I have to remind myself to let my mind dwell on whatever is pure, lovely, of good repute. I must cling to my faith in those times and pray without ceasing.

If you are anything like me, I encourage you to use your fears and anxiety for "good" and not allow them to control you. As soon as you feel your mind start to wander in the "fear department", pray for whoever or whatever that situation is, journal your thoughts, talk to your spouse or a friend, read your Bible or write out scriptures that will encourage you. While we can not let fear control us, we still must be wise in our choices, and we must pray for those who cross our path whether it is physically, through the media, through an email, or through a prayer request.

Philippians 4:6-9 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Introduction chapter to A Scarlet Cord of Hope...my life living with guilt, shame, and fear

I would like to give you a preview of my book. Here is the introduction chapter.

Introduction.

As I sat on the front room couch with a blanket over me, I was watching the 10:00 news. I realized I was more tired than I thought I was. I normally watch the local news and flip through various channels until I feel tired enough for sleep. I suddenly felt more than ready for bed. I turned off the TV and went to my bedroom. I got into my bed, next to my sleeping husband, I laid my head on my pillow; I could feel myself ready for sleep. I woke up a few hours later, at 12:30 a.m., I was feeling very nauseous and disoriented. I felt I was suddenly coming down with the flu. I got up and went to the bathroom. As I stood up, my heart started racing wildly. I felt even more nauseous. I felt very afraid. My body was sweaty and clammy. My head was spinning. My chest was hurting. I slowly made it back to the bed after I realized I was not going to get sick. I thought maybe that I just needed to lie down. I felt relief for only a brief moment. Then all of the sudden waves of nausea hit me, as I have never felt before. I felt a strong heat wave go through my body from my head to my toes. I felt my heart beating so fast that I thought it might beat out of my chest! I felt as if I could barely breathe. I was frantically trying to fill my lungs with air. I was very afraid. I felt like I was dying.

In February 2007, I was diagnosed with Anxiety, Panic, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. At first, I fought this diagnosis. I thought PTSD was only for people who served during wartime or who had some sort of major disaster happen in their life. I also did not believe that I had a panic attack. After my first attack, as I lay in the emergency room, I knew this was MUCH more serious than simply being anxious or worried. On that hospital bed, I knew there was something seriously wrong. I knew I was dying.

From all I have learned over the past few years this diagnosis is much more intricate and PTSD, panic and anxiety can go hand in hand. I realize now my diagnosis was correct. With God’s strength, a supportive loving husband and children, as well as two amazing doctors, I am now on a path learning how to control and deal with my panic and anxiety. I am learning trigger points and how to use “the tools in my basket” to help me when situations come up that trigger my anxious response. I am on a journey! For me I know this will be a life-long journey. I know there are many others who are also on a similar journey. Recognizing this fact has also helped me. It is important that we know we are not alone. Our symptoms, triggers, and story may differ, but the underlining issue is the same.

I have felt like my life experiences have been a series of puzzle pieces. I did not know what the final puzzle would look like, but I knew that I needed to put the pieces together to bring order to my life. The goal of this book is to honestly examine each piece as an individual and with God’s help, put them together.

This is not a book complaining about my childhood, or being a victim. This book is not meant to tell every aspect of my life. The events, situations and experiences I tell about are what I feel propelled me into PTSD, panic and anxiety. It was not one event for me; it was a lifetime of events, circumstances and people. As I look back I can see each of these situations and experiences as threads in my life, threads that are not necessarily strong on their own but woven together they created a cord that hung firmly from my neck. The threads, scarlet in color, signify the guilt and shame I felt over different situation and events in my life.

Some things that I mention are to show the patterns I was in that propelled me towards PTSD. I take full responsibility for the things I chose to do and for the relationships, I chose to pursue and stay in. While I do not blame anyone or anything, you will see I was primed for relationships and situations that would plunge me into PTSD, panic and anxiety. You will see certain patterns emerge very early on for me. Perhaps you will be able to recognize patterns and situations in your life and make corrections earlier than I was able to. My heart’s desire is to help someone who needs to hear my story.

As I began this journey of writing I was not sure why or exactly what would come of it. I just knew that I needed to do it. It was very evident to me, as I got closer to the end that God was showing me clearly He was there from the very beginning to the present time. The picture of this is all of the scriptures woven through each chapter. It was as if God was walking through this with me and very lovingly and gently proving Himself to me repeatedly.
I have also added a section called What I Know Now at the end of each chapter. The concept behind this is give you some perspective into what I have learned since then, or a spiritual truth that helped me along the way as I was searching for hope. There is always hope...
Romans 15:4 For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope”.

Tools In My Basket

Many of you have asked me to tell you what are some of the tools in my basket that I use to help me deal with panic/anxiety. I felt the easiest thing to do was to post a part of the chapter in my book A Scarlet Cord of Hope...my life living with guilt, shame, and fear. This particular chapter has my "tools" listed.

This comes from part of chapter 30 titled Let The Healing Begin

1. Breathing….deep breathes in and out.

2. Remove myself from the situation-even if its around the corner for just a moment-close my eyes and breathe.

3. Peppermint! My symptoms always start in my stomach with nausea. Peppermint is amazing!

4. Ginger tea… I keep ginger tea bags on hand at all times. I breathe in the smell of the tea and slowly sip it, feeling the sensation of the warm tea going down my throat-trying to focus on this sensation rather than my anxiety.

5. Slow down… listen to the sounds around me.

6. Keep hydrated…I always keep a water bottle near me.

7. Take a few moments, when needed, to just sit down in a quite room and close my eyes (even just a few minutes makes a huge difference).

8. Be aware of trigger points…my triggers are movies, books or newspaper articles that deal with mental, verbal or physical abuse. Some things bother me more than others- I just have to be aware of how my mind and body are reacting to it. I have asked my husband to keep me accountable when it comes to what we watch on TV.

9. Prayer and reading the Bible. I also write scriptures on index cards and post them on mirrors or cupboards.

10. Physical touch…a hug or hand squeeze (even texture- a soft blanket, a fluffy pillow).

11. Journal - writing things down has really helped….thoughts, feelings, memories, prayers, etc.

12. Listen to soft instrumental music.

13. Communication….talk things over….don’t let things fester or get pushed under the rug.

14. Acknowledge the choices I have. Maybe I can’t change the situation but I can choose how I handle it, if I stay in it, and what I want to do about it.

15. Medication. This was very helpful for me in the beginning of all of this, but now, it is a very rare moment when I need this anymore.

* there is more in this chapter, this is only the list of tools, but I wanted to skip down to the end and share the What I Know Now with you as well:

What I Know Now:

1. The tools I listed above may or may not work for you. I share these with you to give you an idea of the tools that are in my tool basket.

2. As I have learned more about myself my triggers and how my body responds there have been times when I have tried all of my tools and ended up taking medication to ease the panic attack.

3. I will always have panic and anxiety, but as my husband reminded me , it will never be like it was in the beginning. Dr. Anne once said, "you can never unlearn what you have learned".

4. I believe God can use doctors and medication to help or heal.

5. Isaiah 12:2 "Behold God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation".

When God doesn't answer our prayers the way we want

These past six weeks have been very hard on all of us. My son has been very ill this summer. They are pretty sure he contacted Giardia from a local river while at a day camp earlier this summer. The Giardia has now turned into post infectious irritable bowel. He has been dealing with severe nausea and now constipation. I wont go into all the details because my point on this blog is to focus more on the spiritual side of this experience.

From the very first moment that my son showed signs of illness we began to pray. We have covered him in prayer and have reached out to many family, friends and even strangers to also join us in prayer. At first we just wanted to understand what he had and for him to get well. Then as the weeks progressed my anxiety starting getting the best of me and I was worrying that he wouldn't be able to make a trip that was planned for him and and my husband to go to California for a family wedding. They were also going to catch a Giants game while they were there. That is their favorite team and Doug scored GREAT seats. I was looking forward to the quite time at home to focus on my final edits of the book, as I added a new section to each chapter called, What I Know Now. I was also looking forward to spending some quality time with Lauren. As the day for the trip creeped closer and closer, I knew in my heart he would not be ready. The other factor besides the trip is that he starts school August 10th. It is far more important that he is ready for school. As we continued to seek doctors and pray, others prayed with us and a friend even fasted and prayed for Garic. We asked God to please make it clear...should he go on the trip and also PLEASE LORD HEAL HIS BODY. Obviously we wanted him well enough for the trip and school. Garic kept saying I KNOW I will be well enough for the trip. I have faith.

Over the years as I have grown as a Christan (I am certainly not done yet), I have learned to pray for my needs, wants, etc but I also say, "Lord, your will be done". That means here is the answers I am looking for,but if that is not your will, then I put my will aside, and embrace whatever it is you, Lord, have for me at this time. This is so easy to say but when you actually have to put it into practice that is another story. It is also a hard lesson for a 10 (almost 11) year old boy to learn.

I think its so easy to forget who God really is. He is not a magician, nor a jolly old (fat) man, nor is He our own personal genie, that we can make requests and poof we have it. On the other side we are not puppets or robots. How do you reconcile a prayer request knowing God loves you, wants the best for you, has plans to prosper you and not harm you, but you think you know the right way or right answer, so that is what you are praying for (as well as saying, "your will be done") but then it turns out as you pray and ask God to make it clear (God is not a God of confusion), that when you receive the answer it is different than what you wanted. Does this mean God is mean. Does this mean God didn't quite hear you. Does it mean that you were not good enough. Does this mean God is busy with bigger and more meaningful requests. The answer to all of these (and possibly other questions in your mind) is...are you ready?...NO Just as I told my son, yes God heard you, yes God loves you, you (no one) can ever be good enough (we are saved by grace NOT works), God is not mean, but He is just. God is so incredible and more than any human being can fathom. He can multi task thousands upon thousands of things at one time, so the thought that He could ever be to busy is unrealistic. That is why God IS God and we are not.

I know God heard our prayers. I also know He IS healing Garic. I confess, its a slower process than I like or wanted BUT ultimately I am praying for Gods will to be done. My faith is still growing but it is strong enough to say, ok Lord, I surrender now that its clear as crystal that my son is not to go on this trip, but please Lord, let him be well enough for school. My faith has to be just as unwavering if August 10th rolls around and Garic is still dealing with nausea and intestinal issues. I will cry. I will be sad. I may even be mad. And that is ok. We are not expected to be robots and suppress our emotions. The Bible clearly says don't sin in your anger. Anger in itself is not a sin, its what you choose to do with it. I wont sin in my anger but I will still question WHY? and I may never know why, but that is where my faith MUST come in.

We are still praying that God will heal Garic and he will be more than ready for school on August 10th. If he is not then we will be continue to pray, seek medical help and trust that Gods will is being done for His purposes. He loves Garic more than we do. He knows what Garic needs.

I encourage you if you have been disappointed, mad or sad at a prayer request that was not answered the way you wanted, remember we are not God, we may never understand why, but God is sovereign and good. Our faith should not be simply because we get what we want.

Re-set

I hope this blog makes sense, you see my mind is running in high gear the last several days. Just one of the many symptoms I get when I have a panic/anxiety flare up.

I was diagnosed in February 2007 with anxiety, panic and post traumatic stress disorder. It has been over a year since I last had a panic attack. In my naivety I thought that since it had been so long, I have been in therapy, and I have my "basket of tools", that I would always be able to fend them off quickly and without medication. That is not true. Some I can and some will get the best of me but alas, only for a short time. I will have panic and anxiety the rest of my life. But that does not mean I have to live in fear and have a woe is me attitude. This last episode has shown me how well I can read my body and how quickly I can get help.

I know my trigger points and I do my best to stay away from them. Sometimes I have no control over my trigger points though. I was recently in a situation that I had no control over...my son is sick. Very sick. For over three weeks he has battled nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, weight loss, and dehydration. He was admitted into the hospital for an overnight stay because of dehydration and his blood pressure dropped.

The doctors suspect Giardia. He may have picked this up while playing in a local river at a day camp, Of course there is also a chance it is a (nasty) virus or something completely different and unexpected. They decided to treat him as if he has Giardia with a strong antibiotic. Giarida is hard to diagnosis but because all of his symptoms lined up the doctors felt it would be best go ahead and treat. After seven days of antibiotic, he showed slight improvements but still nausea and diarrhea have plagued him.

My husband and I have been doing everything we can possibly do to take care of him, cheer him up, and most of all pray for him. I could feel myself teetering on the verge of a panic attack so I made sure to keep myself hydrated, I ate healthy, I went for walks, I prayed, I journaled, I kept peppermints and ginger tea close by at all times. I tried to remember my breathing exercises. All of the sudden I began to feel extreme nausea (*my panic/anxiety always manifests itself with nausea first), then rapid heart beat, heat waves, a sick panicky feeling. I checked my drawer where I kept my medication. It was expired! I panicked even more! I kept trying to use the tools listed above but nothing was working it was only getting worse. It was Friday July 3rd and I knew the likelihood of connecting with my doctor was going to be slim. Once my symptoms cross this point I have never been able to calm down without taking medication. The symptoms continued for hours and by God's grace I was able to get an appointment with my general practitioner who was able to identify my symptoms and gave me a small prescription and within 20 minutes of taking the medication I was feeling better and my symptoms began to leave me. WHEW!

Once I connected with my psychiatrist she told me it was normal for me to have a panic attack considering the situation with my son's lingering symptoms and health concerns. She said it is as simple as a "re-set". She used the example of how sometimes when you plug in your hair dryer and it doesn't work you need to press the re-set button and then it works. Well, that is what happened with me. I needed to hit my re-set button. I set an appointment with her and have continued to reach into my "basket of tools" as needed. I was scared that I was going to go backwards in all of my success and healing I have had with PTSD, panic and anxiety, but as my wise husband reminded me it will never be like it was in the beginning because we did not know what was going on, I did not have the tools, or if needed medications, to work through the panic/anxiety.

I want to encourage anyone who has anxiety, panic or PTSD that there may come a time when you need to hit your re-set button and if you do its ok. You are not going backwards. I also know that God never left me during that moment and God will never leave you either!

I am From...

I went to a writers workshop today by Minton Sparks. It was one of the best workshops I have ever been to. Minton Sparks is an author and performer. She is much more "artsy" than me, but she intrigued me none the less. I was drawn in by everything she had to say. Another aspect I enjoyed was the rest of the participants. All women (except for Minton's assistant who brought her boyfriend). There were approximately 30 women of all ages, races and backgrounds. We all had opportunities to share bits and pieces of who we are at different times through out the workshop. There is something about that kind of environment that invigorates me. I love to share my story and hear about other life experiences and story's. It never ceases to amaze me how we all really do have a story and more of us are alike in our life experience than we realize. There is something powerful, beautiful and freeing by sharing with others.

Minton gave us four different writing lessons but the one I want to share with you is from a poem she gave us by George Ella Lyon called Where I am From

(go to http://www.georgeellalyon.com/where.html if you want to read it). The point of the lesson was to write brief descriptions of where you are from. There is no right or wrong way to do this and it can change day to day. You can also focus on one area of your life or a person in your life. I wanted to share what I wrote with you. ( I would love to hear your story via this poem expression...feel free to email it to me at sheryl@sherylgriffin.com)

Where I am from...

I am from a duplex in a cul de sac

where large bushes grow

that form purple and blue flowers

and sidewalks never seem to end

I am from fighting, arguing, sadness, divorce, tears and grief

I am from new life, new family

keep it all in-don't let it out

lots of chores and young children to help watch

the smell of cigarettes and stale beer

I am from desires, yearnings, and longings that go unmet

wishful dreams and fairy tales in my head

I am from guilt, shame, and fear

I am from two very different families

one of control on the outside but chaos on the inside and the other of despair, and don't talk about things, head held up, don't let your guard down, and a never ending list of responsibilities

I am from NOW...freedom, peace, forgiveness and looking back with eyes wide open

I am from wholeness in Christ with His arms open wide, a loving husband and two wonderful gifts...my children-together we are from NOW.