Monday, May 9, 2011

Moving Forward Even When It Hurts

How do you move forward when you are finally in a place to pull everything out from under the rug, that you have carefully stuffed there for years, and you want to acknowledge facts and feelings about your life past and present but, one of the main people in your life isn't in the same place.

That is my situation and the other person is my mother. It has been two and half years since I last heard from her.  I knew it would come to this, but it still hurts.  I knew when the Lord led me to publish my book that it would forever change our relationship. I was emotionally healthy and ready but, it doesn't make it any easier.  In order to have a healthy relationship with  my mother, the kind my heart truly and deeply desired, we needed to stop the life long patterns that we were in.  Part of my healing and moving forward meant I needed to boldly tell the truth and move forward, with or without her (emotionally). 

As I prayed for the moment of "truth" between the two of us,  I lifted my head and arms to God in total faith and surrender. I remember thinking, "it's no longer in my control".  And, the fact of the matter is, it never was.  That is what ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) and panic/ anxiety made me think though.  As if somehow, I held the key to happiness for those I loved the most.  If I can cover up or make their choices or decision "better" simply by not acknowledging them or pretending with them, in the game of if I don't confront you or the situation, maybe it will get better or maybe it will go away.  Even though, it never did, I played this game for most of my life.  Believing the lie it's better not to talk about things that are confrontational or have the ability to upset someone.  There was also the fear that some how it would end up being my fault, and I didn't want to deal with that either. After all, there is a chance something might change on its own.  And sometimes it did, but then it always went back and when it did it came back stronger, louder, and more chaotic than before. 

I have learned since my diagnosis, of ptsd and panic/anxiety in 2007, that I am not responsible for other peoples choices or decisions.  I can not control the situation or the person by loving them, denying the truth, by not confronting, nor by ignoring situations.  It's not that I thought I was powerful or "all that", it was an unhealthy co-dependent balance in my life and mind.

I am clinging to hope, as I continue to move forward, even in the pain.  Hope that someday my mother will hear my heart's cry and we can begin a new relationship.  Hope that she is able to face the things in her life and move forward in a positive way.  Hope that she feels the Lords presence in her life and willingly accepts Him. Hope that she will begin to understand what happened to me and that I am not blaming her (nor anyone else). Hope that she will be able to heal her past wounds and walk in truth and forgiveness.  Hope that she knows I love her.

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