May 9, 2009

Mothers Day...This year was the first Mothers Day that I did not talk to my mom.  Since most of you who read my blog have read my book, A Scarlet Cord of Hope, you already know of the strained relationship that we have.

I told my mom up front when I realized my journaling was going to be more than just for "me" and I was pursuing writing a book.  I don't think she realized the magnitude of what the book was about.  I will be honest, I did not go into big details with her either.  As you already know our conversations are few and far between and I am "on guard" when we do have conversations.  She never really asked a lot of questions and I never really shared much.  I needed to have a clear mind while I was in the writing process. When I realized this was going to be a book, I knew in my heart at some point, I would send it to her and it would either open her eyes, and she would get the help she desperately needs, and we could have the relationship that I believe we both want deep in our hearts. Or it would push her away from me, and I would become non-existent to her.  I believe in my heart that my mom loves me, but her love always has "conditions".  Some of those "conditions" require that you not confront her with anything at all related to her choices or behaviour, and that you always take her side of things, and that you can not contradict her or try to ask many questions. 

The things I write about her in my book are all true, and its the first time, that any of us (myself, my sister, my step dad and to my knowledge any other family member) has ever confronted her with her behaviour and choices and how they affected someone else. I knew in my heart if she read the book she would most likely "hate" me.  It was a risk I had to take. I truly felt in my heart this was something I needed to do. I also felt it would help me move forward in my own healing process. I know that I know God is with me and has put me on this path...I believe this with all of my heart. I did not want her to buy the book nor to receive it from anyone else....I needed to give it to her myself. As I worked through all of this with much prayer, my husband, and my doctor, we decided that I would only send it to her at her request.  I would also include a letter explaining my heart and motive for the book and for our relationship. 

January 12, 2010 she asked for a copy of the book and I mailed it along with a letter that I prayed and cried over on January 14, 2010.  As of today I have not heard a word from her.  She did not acknowledge my birthday this year (in March) but she did acknowledge my daughters wedding (in April) and sent her a card.  I know she is "OK" as other family  have heard from her but according to them she has not mentioned me at all.  It's as if I no longer exist.  My heart aches for her.  In the midst of my relationship with my mom I have gone through several stages of grief: denial, guilt, anger, and now reflection.  I am reflecting on everything about "us".  I am sad but I am also clinging onto hope.

I did not feel right NOT acknowledging her on Mothers Day, but I also did not feel right sending her a "Happy Mothers Day" card either. After much prayer, I decided to type a note with a picture of flowers on it.  I stated that I loved  her and and pray for her every day and that I hope she is doing well.  I mentioned that our home and family were completely safe and no damage from the recent flood that was all around us (Nashville flood of 2010).  I also told her I had sent pictures from my daughters wedding to her local Wal Mart for her to pick up, if she wanted to see them.  I tried to find a balance of acknowledging the day but not putting anything under the rug.  I do love her and my hearts prayer is that some how, some way, by Gods divine power, that her heart will soften, she will choose sobriety, and she will seek the help that she needs to move forward in HOPE today.

At times it seems so complicated to me and other times it feels like it all makes sense, and yet other times I feel that "little girl" in me second guessing everything, and for a brief moment thinking what can I do to make this all better for her.  Most of the time though I know this how it needs to be.  I am not responsible for my mom or her choices, behaviours, or feelings.  I do not long for our "old" relationship...I want a new fresh relationship with her.  I want her to feel the hope, grace, and forgiveness that I feel.  I grieve for the lack of relationship that I have with her.  At times, especially these past few months, its like a a deep sadness in my heart but as odd as it may sound, I also have  peace.  I know God is bigger.  I know God has a plan and purpose.  I know God can heal our relationship and heal my mothers physical and emotional pains and scars, as well as her addictions. 

I feel we are at a cross roads now....even though she has completely ignored me and feels possibly that I am dead to her, I will love her with all my heart and never stop praying, never stop hoping, But, I can not and will not go back to where we were. 

So, there you have it, I wear my heart on my sleeve...thank you for taking time to read this and for caring.  I always feel vulnerable when I share this openly but I also feel better.  If you feel led please pray for my mom.  Her name is Sandy. 

Romans 15:13 Now may the god of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit