Honor or Fear

Have you ever been in a situation where you had a choice to make and the choice you make has the potential to make someone (specifically your spouse) mad. Do you make the choice and then your heart and mind fill with fear because you are afraid of his/her wrath, temper, or retaliation. Do you make the choice and know while it may not be a choice he/she will be happy with, you take responsibility and talk it through with your spouse/significant other.

I have lived on both sides of that street. There is a huge difference in choosing to honor someone vs. being afraid of their response. I believe marriage should be about choosing to love, honor and serve one another. Sometimes though life happens and we will disappoint or even anger our spouse (hopefully unintentionally). In these times we need to be able to communicate in love, take time to "chill out" if necessary, pray, express our disappointment without tearing the other person down or shaming them, and ultimately offer forgiveness and be willing to move forward together. Notice fear is no where in this description.

I recall one time that I made my husband Doug mad. It was several years ago and he was scheduled to appear on a local TV show that was promoting brides and wedding ideas. He was picked to talk about wedding DJ's (he has been a mobile DJ for over 20 yrs and I must say he is very good!), before he left for the day, he set the VCR to record the show. I, for some reason, thought he had set the channel for the wrong channel and went about to fix it for him. Later as I was watching the show I realized I was wrong (yes, even in my good intention!). I quickly tried to fix my error but it was too late, his segment was over. I was so mad at myself! Even though I had thought I was doing the right thing I was wrong. I felt awful. I remember suddenly being very aware and recognizing that even though I knew my husband would be mad, I was not afraid. I definitely felt remorse and was not looking forward to telling him what I had done. I knew he would be disappointed but you see I was not afraid of his response. I knew he would mad and disappointed but I also knew he would forgive me and that he loved me more than having a tape of the show he was on.

Honoring someone doesn't mean you become a robot and only do things that always make that person happy. There is a line, and yes as a wife, I always want to strive to honor and please my husband but not at the cost of losing who I am as a person. And not at the cost of being a "robot". The same goes for my husband. I don’t want a robot either. There will always be times when we disappoint one another or make the other person mad, but as long as we can talk through the situation, take responsibility, have a repentant heart, ask forgiveness, and if necessary give each other space, the end result should be that we have weathered a storm together and we continue to move forward.

If you are in a relationship and you feel any form of fear (and especially if there is any kind of violence, manipulation or control) I encourage you to seek help. Talk to your pastor, a trusted family member or friend or contact the national domestic violence hot line at 1-800-799-7233 or http://www.ndvh.org/

One day at a time. One moment at a time. There is always hope.

Wiping The Dust From Your Feet

Recently we invited someone to our home for conversation. I say conversation because it was someone from another church/denomination that we are not a part of. It is also an organization that a family member has recently become interested in. I had a few preconceived ideas of what I thought this denomination believed in but I wanted to make sure I knew 100% before I gave my full opinion. I also knew that this group of people seemed to be pursuing this family member in a very intentional, gentle, loving, grace filled manner. My heart attitude was to be just as intentional in finding out what the differences and concerns might be.

This blog will not be about which denomination nor which family member I am referencing. It is about the deliberate act and reference of one of the person's we invited in. For the record,the invitation into our home towards these people was a direct result of their visit to us. They had received information from someone in their denomination in the state that my family member lives in, and they were told that we had questions.

Once we established and understood (in a VERY polite and friendly manner on both sides) what the theological differences truly were (and it was obvious neither of us were budging in our beliefs) and what the purpose of our questions were, we ended our time briefly talking about other topics outside of religion. For all intents and purposes it was a nice visit. At the end of our time together as they walked to the front door the wife walked out first and the husband stayed in the door way talking a few more minutes. As he turned to go through the door I happened to glance down towards the floor and noticed as he stepped out of the door frame and onto the door mat he deliberately (but not dramatically) wiped both of his feet as if he was instead entering the house and not the outside. I meant to say something to my husband and forgot as our conversation turned towards different topics we had that night with this couple. The image kept lingering in my mind. I finally remembered to tell my husband what I noticed. He said he was probably "wiping the dust from his feet". I was familiar with this term but wanted to understand how it could apply to us and why would this couple feel the need to gesture this towards us. There are several references in the Bible to this deliberate act (Matthew 10:14, Acts 13:51, Luke 9:5, 10:11, Mark 6:11). Shaking the dust from your feet towards a person is done to symbolize a complete break in fellowship and renunciation (abandonment, denial or disavowing) of all further responsibility towards this person or people. I will confess at first I was very offended that this person felt strongly enough that he needed to show it (actions speak louder than words) even if he did not intend for us to see it. I have now taken a different approach and actually feel good that he felt the need to break fellowship and disavow us and our beliefs. You see to me this means they realized they could not penetrate our hearts and minds with their doctrine and beliefs. We were solid. We know that we know. The other thing is we did it without arguing, yelling, or finger pointing.

I have never felt so strongly against anyone that I would wipe the dust from my feet towards them. I am a firm believer in boundaries (and limiting contact if necessary) but in my opinion there is a difference in a boundary and the act of breaking fellowship and renunciation. I also realize there are times when someone may make choices and their heart may not be repentant and in order to protect yourself and those you love you must draw a deep line and shake the dust from your feet (I think these are rare times and should be done with the counsel of your pastor and church). This should also be done in the manner that the Bible tells us of in Mathew 18:15-17. The key though is to face the person. I think that is what is bothering me the most. They gave us the illusion this was a "friendly" conversation but inside their hearts were obviously not matching the appearance that they tried to convey. Their hearts were hard towards us once they realized we were not on the same page and we were unwilling to agree with them (even though it was done in a friendly -non argumentative way).

I believe you should never stop praying (and hoping) for someone who has made the choice of unrepentence or unbelief and walked away...as long as there is breath there IS hope. There is a balance though, the Bible also tells us to be wise...so before you give to much hope (you don’t want to cast your pearls before swine) or you are to quick to wipe the dust from your feet, earnestly pray and seek Godly counsel and as hard as it is you need to confront that person.

I am glad that my husband and I apparently made it clear where we stand and that we are firm in our foundation and beliefs. I also want to strive even more to let my actions speak louder than my words, because you never know who may see an action that you do not intend for them to *see*.

*for those who do not know me personally- incase you are wondering I am a Christian- I am a member of Strong Tower Bible Church- a non denominational church.