Friday, February 12, 2010

Honor or Fear

Have you ever been in a situation where you had a choice to make and the choice you make has the potential to make someone (specifically your spouse) mad. Do you make the choice and then your heart and mind fill with fear because you are afraid of his/her wrath, temper, or retaliation. Do you make the choice and know while it may not be a choice he/she will be happy with, you take responsibility and talk it through with your spouse/significant other.

I have lived on both sides of that street. There is a huge difference in choosing to honor someone vs. being afraid of their response. I believe marriage should be about choosing to love, honor and serve one another. Sometimes though life happens and we will disappoint or even anger our spouse (hopefully unintentionally). In these times we need to be able to communicate in love, take time to "chill out" if necessary, pray, express our disappointment without tearing the other person down or shaming them, and ultimately offer forgiveness and be willing to move forward together. Notice fear is no where in this description.

I recall one time that I made my husband Doug mad. It was several years ago and he was scheduled to appear on a local TV show that was promoting brides and wedding ideas. He was picked to talk about wedding DJ's (he has been a mobile DJ for over 20 yrs and I must say he is very good!), before he left for the day, he set the VCR to record the show. I, for some reason, thought he had set the channel for the wrong channel and went about to fix it for him. Later as I was watching the show I realized I was wrong (yes, even in my good intention!). I quickly tried to fix my error but it was too late, his segment was over. I was so mad at myself! Even though I had thought I was doing the right thing I was wrong. I felt awful. I remember suddenly being very aware and recognizing that even though I knew my husband would be mad, I was not afraid. I definitely felt remorse and was not looking forward to telling him what I had done. I knew he would be disappointed but you see I was not afraid of his response. I knew he would mad and disappointed but I also knew he would forgive me and that he loved me more than having a tape of the show he was on.

Honoring someone doesn't mean you become a robot and only do things that always make that person happy. There is a line, and yes as a wife, I always want to strive to honor and please my husband but not at the cost of losing who I am as a person. And not at the cost of being a "robot". The same goes for my husband. I don’t want a robot either. There will always be times when we disappoint one another or make the other person mad, but as long as we can talk through the situation, take responsibility, have a repentant heart, ask forgiveness, and if necessary give each other space, the end result should be that we have weathered a storm together and we continue to move forward.

If you are in a relationship and you feel any form of fear (and especially if there is any kind of violence, manipulation or control) I encourage you to seek help. Talk to your pastor, a trusted family member or friend or contact the national domestic violence hot line at 1-800-799-7233 or

One day at a time. One moment at a time. There is always hope.

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