During my time at the Christian Women in Media Association National conference, we had a night of movie previews and worship. One of the movie previews grabbed my attention, a documentary titled Life After Abortion. As a woman who has has abortion in her past, I highly recommend watching this documentary. (The link will give you a twelve minute preview).
I was fifteen years old when I had my first abortion. It was not something I wanted nor really understood. I was told my baby was simply a blob of cells and if, at the time, I wanted to continue to live with my mother and step dad, I had no choice but to abort my baby. Little did I know the consequence of abortion doesn't end when your pregnancy is terminated.
The second abortion happened when I was eighteen years old. I was married. I did not marry because I was pregnant, I intentionally got pregnant several months after I married, hoping a baby would soften my (then) husband and give me the family I desperately desired. I was wrong.
Something I allude to in my book, A Scarlet Cord of Hope My Journey Through Guilt, Shame, and Fear to Hope, is after my divorce and being a single mom of a five year old, I rebelled and entered into what I call "my wild woman days". During this short season of my life, I found myself pregnant. I panicked! I was a single mom struggling financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I was still living in fear of my ex-husband and I was also concerned that he would try to gain custody of our daughter, qualifying me as "unfit" (although he never said this to me I know now my fears were simply based on my ptsd-post tramatic stress disorder). Guilt, shame, and fear continued to pound in my head as I struggled with the decision of what to do. I chose to hide my shame and had my third abortion.
It took years for me to forgive myself and to accept forgiveness from God. I was filled with guilt and shame for many years. It was a slow process towards understanding why I allowed choices to be made for me, why I felt I didn't have a choice for my first two pregnancy's, and why I chose abortion over life as a divorced single mom. Forgiving others, myself, and eventually learning to accept God's forgiveness, doesn't mean I can erase the facts, or that I agree with abortion, nor does it mean I am glad I had an abortion.
It took years for me to forgive myself and to accept forgiveness from God. I was filled with guilt and shame for many years. It was a slow process towards understanding why I allowed choices to be made for me, why I felt I didn't have a choice for my first two pregnancy's, and why I chose abortion over life as a divorced single mom. Forgiving others, myself, and eventually learning to accept God's forgiveness, doesn't mean I can erase the facts, or that I agree with abortion, nor does it mean I am glad I had an abortion.
Simply put, forgiving myself and accepting God's forgiveness means:
1. I have recognized and acknowledged that I made a choice that I realize now I would not make again
2. I have learned from my mistakes
3. I am repentant
Here are a few scripture truths I hold onto when the enemy tries to come at me with guilt and shame:
As far as the east is from the west, so far He removed our transgressions from us Psalm 103: 12
I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud, and your sins like a heavy mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you Isaiah 44:22
In Him we have redemption through His blood the forgiveness of our trespasses according to the riches of His grace Ephesians 1:7
If you struggle with guilt and shame over the choice of abortion please know that you're not alone and there is HOPE!
